Today is the day to spread love. We should say I Love You to the world, to our friends, family, acquaintances, passers-by; we should show love in its many, splendid forms.
It’s ironic that today was chosen as the day of love. I literally stopped loving on this day nine years ago. My heart lost its capacity to give or receive love. I’ve actually forgotten what it is. Nine years ago today my mother slipped into a coma, on her 51st birthday. She never regained consciousness and passed away two days later. A large part of me did, too.
My mother was my constant, my base. I lost my bearing when she died. She alone fostered my independence and curiosity; my love of reading, learning, and travel. She taught me to question authority, to challenge the status quo, to accept only what’s good and honest. Yet, she didn’t live long enough to see me living out her dreams for me.
I’m sad about that. I’m sad about a lot of things.
It makes me sad that I can’t share good news, great times, old memories, new plans with my mother. There’s a touch of bittersweet to all the high points and a healthy dose of bereftness in the low.
My saddest and most guilt-inducing memory is that my last words to my mother, nine years ago today, were words of hurt, not love. That memory is on freeze-frame in my heart, leaving no chance for repair and reuse of the still-grieving organ. Though my heart’s capacity for love diminished, I didn’t stop caring; I care deeply. But that’s as close as I could get. Until today.
Today I’m committing to change. Today, I am embracing Love. In honor of my mother, who was the first person to love me and the last person I truly loved.
Happy birthday, Mom. Be at peace.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
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Thank you for such a sharing such a sincere message Nichole. Today is also my late grandmother's birthday. There are no coincidences. Love, jm
ReplyDeleteI've always believed that the opposite of love is not hate, but rather fear. This was one of the most courageous posts I've ever read. I love your courage. It proves you are both capable and worthy of love, my friend. This day is for your mom. This day is for you. For all the people who love and admire you...and for all the people that you inspire without even knowing it.
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